Almost every single therapist, online expert, and self-help guru preaches the exact same message: “communication is key! If someone says something that doesn't sit right with you, provide reasoning. Explain why you don't like it. If they’re not being clear, just ask a follow-up question!”
I don’t like that advice.
We’ve been taught to ask follow-up questions to seek clarification. To offer reasoning when something bothers us. It’s taught with the understanding that the other person will listen to what you have to say and provide you with an answer that will shed light on the circumstance which will allow you to make an informed decision.
Communication is NOT key. Strategic communication is. There’s a difference. It isn’t that you shouldn’t communicate, it's that it shouldn’t be the default setting for every single interaction you have.
I saw a Tiktok video that illustrates this perfectly. A girl posted a screenshot of a conversation on Hinge. She says she’s tired, looking forward to the weekend, and adds, “I’m here to find my partner for life. No luck yet, as you can see. Lol. How about you?” The guy responds, “yeah, it’s almost Friday. I’m looking to make friends with the intent of being long-term.”
She unmatches him right then and there.
Naturally, the comment section went wild saying, “oh, you should have asked a clarifying question! Friendship is the foundation, you build from there!”
But is that what’s really happening? Whenever you ask a clarifying question or explain why someone’s behavior bothers you, are you waiting for an answer or providing them with the answer?
Why does that interaction merit a “clarifying question.” What about the statement leaves you wondering what this person’s intentions are? From the message, it’s very clear: friends with the intent of being long-term.
Now someone will say, “that right there. Long-term. We don’t know what he means by that. Long-term, what?”
But in my mind, the message is clear. “Friends with the intent of being long-term” means long-term friends. If he meant a serious relationship, he would have made that clear.
But for the sake of this argument, let’s suppose she takes the commenters' advice and asks, “so by long-term, do you mean friends first and then eventually a serious relationship?”
And this is why communication is NOT key.
Now he knows exactly what answer keeps the door open. You’re handing them the exact blueprint of what they need to say and do to keep getting access to you. Once a person knows what answer grants them entry, any subsequent answer they give becomes instantly contaminated.
He can easily say, “oh yeah, absolutely! Friends first, then hopefully something serious.”
But, is that their true intention?
People online will argue that maybe he was just bad at articulating himself and was being sincere. Yes and potentially no. The real question is: are you willing to take the risk and find out? Are you willing to pay what it will cost you to find out?
I personally don't believe in clarifying questions. Conversations should be approached strategically. I believe we should accept exactly what we’ve been told. Not try to look for an alternative meaning or ask them questions to hear them say what we want to them to say.
Any answer that follows is tainted. They didn't arrive at it naturally. Your question has conditioned their response. If someone wants something from you, they will modify their responses because they realize the price of admission. They will tell you what you want to hear. They will take what they came here for and they will leave you when they’re done.
The worst part: your ‘communication is key” mantra facilitated the conditions to ensure that it happened.
Yes, it’s cynical. But people are often too quick to provide context and information. We refuse to accept people as they are and subsequently what they said as what is. “Oh no, they may have a communication problem. Oh no, they meant to say this or that.” Then they later cry about being used and don’t understand how it happened when they were the ones that provided this person with all the information they needed.
This same logic applies to behavior.
Let’s say someone acts completely selfish, and you say, “I really dislike when you do X because it feels inconsiderate. I need someone who does Y.” Suddenly, they start doing Y. The conventional, healthy-communication interpretation is “great! You communicated your needs, they listened, and they adjusted!”
The reaction we should have is: why were you doing X to begin with? Why did I need to pull basic consideration out of you? Did you genuinely reflect and decide to change as a person, or did you just learn what behavior is required to maintain access to me?
And that is the problem with communication. It reveals things about you. It offers them access to you. And in the beginning you don’t know for how long and for what purpose. It’s only at the bitter end that you learn of their true intentions.
It’s manipulation. I know you’ll say this is a leap, but it is manipulation.
If we take away the idea that manipulation is “evil” and just look at it mechanically, changing your behavior to produce a specific outcome is manipulation. You present that X will make you leave, so they stop doing X and start doing Y to alter the dynamic and keep you around. You’ve given them the information they need to keep playing you, keeping you quiet until they do some unfortunate stuff later on.
When we ask clarifying questions and over-explain our boundaries, we put ourselves at a massive disservice. We prime people with the exact information they need to perform for us. Accept what you’re being told the first time. Don’t go back for seconds if it doesn’t align with what you want. The second you expose what you’re looking for, you lose the ability to tell the difference between someone who is naturally compatible and someone who is just smart enough to give you the “correct” answer.
Stop arming people with the weapons they need to destroy you and then being surprised when they do. Listen to people intently. Anyone that wants to make sure their message got across clearly will clarify without any follow-ups.
By over-communicating and asking for clarification, you’re digging your own grave. Stop being surprised when you fall into the hole.